We see the beautiful side of it. The pictures of woman raw in mother hood nursing their sweet baby as the little one falls asleep so soundly at the breast. It looks like it comes so naturally and gracefully. Let me tell you, breastfeeding is NOT unicorns and rainbows. Sometimes its not even the melted part on the top of a pint of ice cream (Why is this be allowed to be eaten?!). Don’t get me wrong, those moments exist even in the tiny spaces between all the hard and even though they are less often than the hard it overpowers in the craziest way.
We are now 11 months strong! “Started from the bottom, now we here”.
I was determined. SO determined to nurse my youngest son (Greyson). I wanted to nurse my first but I was unsucessful. But this time I had a team behind me and more resources. I got this. My baby is going to have the best and we are going to have the greatest bond because of it.
Boy was I wrong!
Breastfeeding has been one of the hardest journeys for me in motherhood. I have to say it has made bonding with my son much harder than it was with my oldest. Don’t take that wrong. I love my kids so much that I never knew this level of love was achievable. However the issues have had a noticeable impact on our bond.
Let me tell you my story. My son was born at home in the water. Immediate skin to skin and he was latched on within the first hour of being born. Everything you need for a great start. It was really amazing but, that is a story for another time. So, the first couple days were great! Little man was getting good diaper output and he was nursing well, at least I thought. After a couple days it started getting painful. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle so I thought it was normal. Then it got worse. I was asking in groups if bleeding and scabs were typical and was hearing lots of yes. BLEEDING AND SCABBED NIPPLES IS NOT NORMAL LADIES! So it was time to call in the IBCLC. We had an in home visit and she noticed Greyson had a tongue and lip tie. *Also pre-warning, people will tell you to join the tongue and lip tie FB support group. It did nothing but scare me! I left the group a day later because I needed to have my own experience not be scared by others. So be aware.* With the tongue tie revised all our problems should be on the uphill right?
2 revisions, vasospams, yeast, clogged ducts, milk blisters, mastitis.
You name it, We’ve dealt with it.
So what is my purpose of writing this? I want others to know they are not alone. I could cuddle and love my baby but as soon as he wanted to nurse I would just cry. Sometimes I still feel that way. Dare I say it? I hate breastfeeding! There is an image I have seen a few times of a woman with no face who is nursing. That’s a perfect example to explain how I feel when nursing. It better explains it more than any words could explain it. I get touched out. I dont want touched by my kids, by my husband, by even a blanket. I feel angry and sad and annoyed. I want to run away.
But I love breastfeeding. Are you still following me?
I love that when I am gone for a few hours that I can come home and being refreshed from a nice break away I can cuddle my baby and feed him and just enjoy the moment. I love the sense of pride I have knowing that from the day of conception till we decide to wean, even being outside of the womb, I am STILL growing my baby. He is my chunk, because of me. That look when he is nursing and looks up at me and smiles, it melts my heart. I know that my son gets the best from me and thats what we all want as parents. The best. Surround yourself with a support team and capture the sweet moments. Pictures have also helped. They have allowed me to take a new perspective on my own breastfeeding journey.
Is it worth it?